i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
