cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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