How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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