2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
