You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
