I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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