im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
