I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
