Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize