I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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