The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Betty ford says i'm here all night
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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