you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
