good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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