they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
