The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
