I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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