i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
