I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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