Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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