You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
