In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
