How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
