Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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