Yo dont text me then not text me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
