youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
