Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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