I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I love you.
Bad choice
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
