the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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