I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
