what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
