I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize