the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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