Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
