I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
