and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
