Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
