True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Two words: blizzard sex
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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