I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
