and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
