I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
