i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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