Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
