Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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