I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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