Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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