Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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