Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
