Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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