The maid of honor just puked.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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