I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
