Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
