You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he quoted the bible to break up with me
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i now understand why vodka
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
