I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
