When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
