Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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