do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
