i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
