Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
