Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
