dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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