??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
